Sunday, February 21, 2010

Moving Forward

I sit here on the KTX train on a beautiful Saturday morning, on my way to visit Mary in Daegu. The quiet murmur of Korean language surrounds me, as I gaze out the window towards green hills, tiny towns and industrial areas. I love riding on the train. I feel like it’s a metaphor for so many things in life. You’re moving fast, but not so fast that you can’t enjoy the scenery. Sometimes you go through dark tunnels. Sometimes they are long tunnels. Some are short. But when you burst through them, the sunlight returns and (if you’re superstitious like me) you can exhale again. The point is to sit back and enjoy the ride, stay on the track, but let your mind wander and explore what’s out beyond the windows. The tunnels will be up ahead, but they don’t last forever. You move forward. It’s the only direction you can go.

Living in Korea has exceeded my expectations. I’ve met so many people from all over the world and I feel like I’ve experienced so much in such a short time. I can hardly believe it’s only been 4 months. I feel like it’s been much longer. Moving here and embarking on this adventure has been the best decision I’ve made in my life so far. I’ve learned more about myself and who I am in the past few months that I have in the last decade. I’ve found more confidence in myself than ever before in my life. It’s so funny that I had to move 5,000 miles away from home and the ones I love most, to really discover who I am and what is important to me. I’m still learning and growing, but I feel like I see a discernible shape now. It’s hard to explain.

For many of you who know me well, you know I’ve struggled with depression and a lack of self-confidence for a very long time. It’s like I was enveloped in this fog of self-doubt for so many years. I had so many people trying to reach me through that thick cloud and it makes me regret that I couldn’t see what everyone was trying to show me. The fog is starting to lift. I can peek underneath it and see the sun. It’s glorious. My work is not done yet, and I know it will be a lifelong practice, but it’s happening. I’m on the train and I’m going somewhere. Finally.

We may all be on the same train, but we all have different destinations. Some are on longer journeys and have many miles to travel. Some ride the rails for a short period of time and get off at their stop before the others. For me, I can’t quite see the station yet, but I know it’s coming up soon. For now, I’m just going to sit back, absorb the scenery, and trust that the train is moving me forward. Thank you all for riding with me.